


Deep Breath In; Deep Breath Out

by telemancer



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Finished, I'm Sorry, M/M, One Shot, Self-Harm, Texting, oh no, warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 15:40:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8996872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/telemancer/pseuds/telemancer
Summary: "Deep breath in. Deep breath out. One more knock. No response." Everything was fine in Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens' dormroom, until a rainy day when John pushed up Alex's sleeve to reveal dripping red lines and the entire facade of their quiet okay lives came crumbling down. Swearing, self harm, alliteration, and terrible tipsy texting. Happy ending, though? (P.S. You're really awesome. Self-harm is a really difficult thing to go through, and I want all of you to know that you are strong and powerful and interesting and cool and valid and, all in all, pretty f*cking rad.)





	

That day had been stressful enough without the evening portion. Too many people were cold or angry that day, no one wanted to talk or listen, and too many essays were due. Not to mention, John Laurens had woken up too early and after that, it was too hard to go back to sleep. He didn't know how Hamilton did it, how Hamilton managed, how Hamilton even survived without the basic lines of human domesticity. John needed at least some sort of foodstuff in the morning, no matter how small, a few hours of sleep, even just minutes of quiet relaxation time, and a smile from anyone - it didn't matter who, although John always preferred Hamilton to be that person. A few kind words could make any day a good day in John's mind.  
But Hamilton, oh Hamilton, didn't eat breakfast. Or lunch. And rarely dinner. Always, always, some sort of snack would be in order - he wasn't that far gone, but never a true meal.  
Hamilton didn't need quiet relaxation time like John did, sure he enjoyed it, but the ink haired boy could work and write anywhere - even a raucous party, and John had sat next to a furiously typing Alexander during the yearly campus booze fest, so he knew the extent of Hamilton's powers.  
People seemed always optional in Alexander's life. Almost as though they were a pleasant surprise - or not so pleasant in some people's cases (read: Thomas Jefferson). The young man didn't need anyone to talk to or anyone to exchange grins with, but Hamilton didn't mind being John's person to talk to and smile to. Which John thanked his lucky stars for, since he had utterly no idea what he would do without the comfort of his Alexander.  
Hamilton didn't sleep either, he didn't need it, but he loved it like fanpeople love fictional worlds. Any time Hamilton took a nap or managed to fall asleep on the couch - never the bed, beds are too normal for Alexander freaking Hamilton - he would always go on and on to John about how refreshing and amazing sleep is. You would think that this would get Hamilton to sleep more and work less but, if anything, Hamilton slept even more infrequently. John had never talked to his friend about it, but he suspected that sleep had turned into a sort of reward to Hamilton for when the boy finished working - which seemed to be never. But usually, if their friends came over, and there was a movie in, and Alexander shared a blanket with someone (usually John since, as Hamilton claimed, he was the softest), the orphan would be asleep the second after the film credits began rolling.  
And all of this was okay, the almost ignorance of healthy habits was fine, until one day, it wasn't.  
John was going to meet up with one of his childhood friends after reconnecting on Facebook at some too far away coffee shop that was inevitably going to be too crowded and too expensive and too commercial for John to enjoy. But, as the heavily freckled student figured, it would be nice to chat with someone new for a change. John Laurens liked his quiet life with quiet Alexander in their quiet dorm room that sometimes hosted quiet get-togethers with their relatively quiet friends, but honestly, that dull familiar routine quiet was begging to be (quietly) disrupted by a ridiculously conventional coffee shop conversation.  
"Alexander," Laurens had said, pulling on his green coat by the door. "I'm going out to meet up with an old friend. I have my phone, so feel free to text me if anything, I'm serious, anything comes up. It's pretty far away, so I'll be gone for at least three hours."  
The clicking of the computer keys never ceased, but John could hear a weak mumble from the other room. He stopped putting on his shoes and went to investigate. Hamilton was hunched over their desktop, like usual. Laurens made his presence aware so as to not startle his roommate then placed a hand on Alexander's left shoulder blade.  
"Back straight, head up," John reminded. He watched a smile quirk on his friend's face in the reflection on the computer screen. "And what did you say? Sorry, I couldn't hear you from out there."  
"I said, 'watch out for the rain'. Do we have an umbrella? Oh nevermind, Lafayette stole it after he tried to float on his in a puddle and broke it. That dumb baguette."  
John laughed quietly, then looked at Hamilton's reflection eyes for a moment before proceeding. Alexander used to be terrified of storms and rain, but after much Laurens-style coaching through the weather patterns, he seemed to be alright.  
"I'll be fine," John replied. "Maybe I'll come back early, but I would like to talk to this guy for at least a little bit. See if the cocky coffee shop we're going to can complete your crazy caffeine codependence."  
"Hey there, Mr. Awesome Alliteration, it's not 'codependence'. I like a good cup of coffee, that's all." Hamilton was still typing as he talked. Would his wonders ever cease to amaze? John doubted it.  
"Sure, sure. Now stop staring at that stupid screen and give me a goodbye hug before I go." The freckled man turned Alexander's chair so they were toward each other, and Hamilton stood up too fast, almost knocking the desk chair over. The darker haired one reached up, wrapping his arms around Laurens' neck, standing on his tip toes to make the hug more comfortable. John, the taller of the two, happily surrounded the other's waist with his arms.  
"Your hugs are really nice, John," Hamilton murmured, obviously exhausted. Laurens could almost taste the fatigue radiating off him and smiled. If anyone else were here, they would make some comment about crushing or gay or just get a room already, but no one was there, and that make the contact all the better.  
"Thanks, roomie. Try to get some sleep, okay? I'll buy you some of that crap candy bar coffee before class if you do. I'll be back soon."  
Alexander ended the hug reluctantly, but still grinned. John brushed a dark lock off Hamilton's cheek, and the boy poked his tongue out in retaliation.  
"I'll loving your alliteration, Laurens. Almost as sweet as the giant coffee you're buying me tomorrow."  
One more smile was passed between them, and then John Laurens left their rooms, not aware that he was leaving the current Alexander he knew and loved - never to see him again.

The second that John Laurens stepped outside he regretted every single one of his life choices ever. Okay, maybe not. But he definitely regretted going outside and making this stupid converse-over-coffee thing when a quiet Alexander was inside and warm and tired and complementing. Also, it was freaking pouring outside. Rain was pelting the ground, its own vicious attack, splattering everything. John stared at a newspaper being torn apart by the water, and the only three words he could think of were 'wasted', 'savage', and 'Alexander', but that last one had nothing to do with the rain. Hurriedly, before the paper could be destroyed any longer, Laurens picked it up and placed it in the nearest bin. Then, realizing what he was supposed to be doing outside, he headed to the bus stop.  
The bus was late and the driver was crabby but gave John a grateful smile when he thanked them. After a few minutes of dripping on the bus floor and listening to the rain pour down, they arrived on the coffee shop street. John pulled his coat over his head, winked at the driver, and ran outside.  
And of freaking course, the coffee shop was closed. This kind of stuff happened to Laurens all the time, and he still swore under his breath about it. The young man paced back and forth under the awning, staying relatively dry, before he realized his phone in the front jacket pocket. John pulled it out, unlocked it, and started checking his messages. They weren't loading.  
"Phone, it's not the time to do this! Come on, work!" John squeezed his phone harder. He knew the person he was supposed to meet would have texted him, but sometimes Laurens' cell did this thing where the messages would take 30 minutes or more to finally come in. Then, miraculously, his phone buzzed.  
Sam - 1:49 pm  
John, I'm so sorry! It's raining too hard, can't make it today. Would love to resched some other time on a nicer day. Hope you're having a good day despite the weather.  
John typed out a quick message and sent it.  
Me - 2:23 pm  
Totally fine! Maybe next week? We'll figure it out, hope you're having a good one too.  
John decided to not say that he missed the message and was now soaked through outside of a coffee shop. He sighed in frustration and was about to put his phone is his pocket when it light up, vibrating like crazy. There were more than 10 messages from Alexander and John began to panic, figuring the worst.  
Best Roomie Evah = Alexander - 1:58 pm  
John  
I miss you already, when are you back?  
I wasn't kidding about how good your hugs are srsly i think i could hug you for days i'm always so cold and you're always so warmmmmmmmmm  
Are you outside, the rain looks kinda nasty  
Hhheeeeyyyy johnnnyyyy you said you would have your phone did you forget it since my fab hug was so distracting for you ;) (John always loved Alexander's winks, they filled him with some indescribable emotion - even though he knew for a fact that Hamilton sent winks to everyone as well.)  
I looked around for a bit and didn;t see your phone ?  
You k out there kiddo  
Ewh not using kiddo again hmm nickname johnny is a classic but lowkey want a new one.  
Asked laf for one - it's "baby girl" (Laurens suddenly felt almost dizzy and his heart pounded and he took a breath and now he was just really warm despite the cold rain water.)  
I suggest go fuck yourself laf  
No offense to you of course john i'm just not sure i wanna call you baby girl. You haven't even bought me dinner yet oh waaaiiiiitttttt you have like a million times since i have no moneeeyyyyy :p  
Best Roomie Evah = Alexander - 2:04  
Thought about it for a bit - imma call u turtle  
Since you have too many turtlenecks and when i yell ur name or get your attention you always look up with your neck and u remind me of a turtle  
Also you have a turtle fetish ;)  
Lol turtle ur so wwweeeeiiiirrrdddd i love it  
I may or may not have stolen the alcohol we were saving for partahs a min ago and started drinking it  
Sorry turtlw  
I'll buy some more shit wait no i don't have a job rn i'll pay you back somehow later  
Asked laf how to pay you back got reply of sexual favors but in a MUCH more explicit way (To be honest, John would be completely okay with that. He hadn't seen anyone romantically since around when he and Alex moved in together - coincidence, probably not - , and Hamilton was really freaking cute.)  
I feel like laf has a thing with us being a thing  
Just cuz i like his hugs more than i should doesn't mean we're dating llaaaafffffbaguetteee  
Go fuk yourself loafayette  
Oops wrong person i'm trying to text laf and johns not laf... that would make things awk and laf's hugs are too swingy and violent and  
OKAY JOHN I'M SUPER WORRIED ABOUT YOU RN  
ALSO I CAN'T WRITE SHHHHHIIIIITTTTTTT  
LIKE THE WORDS FEEL ALL CLOGGED AND THEY WON'T FLOW OUT LIKE USUAL  
CAN YOU DROWN FROM RAIN  
IDK IMMA GOOGLE IT  
The texts ended there, and John hurriedly texted back.  
Me - 2:25 pm  
Sorry Alex the messages didn't come through until now. Coffee shop closed, sam a no show, heading home now sys i'm so sorry you were worried i'm fine tho love the new nickname, no need to pay me back but would love anything you gave me ;), lowkey ignoring the laf thing with us thing, and i'll try to help you write when i'm back! Be home soon "lion" hah you get a new nickname too  
John pulled his jacket up again, and headed out into the storm, managing to score a cab in the first few minutes. Once in the vehicle, his phone buzzed.  
Best Roomie Evah = Alexander - 2:27 pm  
Tuuurrrrttttlllleeeee sry samm was nosho ur such a flirt u need to sttttoooiopp glad you like name i like too and you can't come home rn pls  
Me - 2:27 pm  
Nnneeevvverrrrrr you wink at every1 i can flirt if i want ;) :) ;) ps how much alcohol have you had are you safe and why can't i come home? I'm freezing plllssss i wanna hug and cocoa  
Best Roomie Evah = Alexander - 2:27 pm  
First bot almost empty i'm safe enough and i'm in the middle of something  
Me - 2:27 pm  
Safe enough? What do you mean? and is someone there or something , are you getting satisfieddddd :p  
Best Roomie Evah = Alexander - 2:27 pm  
no (A surge of relief filled John's chest, and he wasn't sure why.)  
Me - 2:28 pm  
Are you...?  
Best Roomie Evah = Alexander - 2:28 pm  
Idk? Probs not idk what ur talk abt  
Me - 2:28 pm  
... sry im awk nvm i doubt ur doing what im thinking  
Best Roomie Evah = Alexander - 2:28 pm  
Um k well don't come home rn  
Me - 2:28 pm  
Where am i supposed go then alex? Wth do you want me to do i'm coming home okay it's my house too i'm cold and tired and angry pls let me come home i'm worried about you as well  
Best Roomie Evah = Alexander - 2:28 pm  
DONT COME HOME JOHN LAURENS PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU  
Me - 2:29 pm  
Alex. i'm coming home. I'm not gonna judge you for whatever you're doing we'll always be friends no matter what i promise but i'm on my way home rn  
Me - 3:00 pm  
Alex? I'm sorry.  
Me - 3:02 pm  
Alexander hamilton are you sure youre okay i'm worried about you  
Ten minutes away maybe 15 with the rain  
Me - 3:03 pm  
Alex...  
Me - 3:04 pm  
I think i love you. Or something.  
(message saved to drafts)  
(message deleted)  
John was scared. Like, really scared. Why didn't Alexander want him to come home? Why? He sat quietly in the back of the cab, checking his messages every few seconds to see if Hamilton responded but he never did.  
What is up with you right now, Alexander Hamilton?  
The cab pulled up to their dorm building, John tipped him as generously as he could, and full on sprinted to the room.  
"Alexander, Alexander, Alexander, please, please, please, please be okay," John whispered under his breath. He almost fell on the stairs in his rush, but managed to stay on his feet, fueled by secrets and wishes and hope and panic.  
John arrived at their door and steadied himself.  
Deep breath in.  
Deep breath out.  
He raised his hand and knocked.  
No response.  
Oh my god, Alexander, please be having sex with some girl or guy or person or anyone. John didn't even care that that would hurt so bad and he would be so jealous, he just wanted Hamilton to stay alive because he was so freaking amazing and Laurens would never forgive himself if Alex wasn't okay. Because John could've been there, he could've helped.  
Deep breath in.  
Deep breath out.  
One more knock.  
No response.  
John opened the door, and Alex was sitting in the middle of the living room, back facing the door.  
"Hamilton?" Laurens whispered. He could see Alex's phone a few inches away from its owner, blinking with unread texts.  
"Alexander?" Laurens whispered again. There were papers surrounding the boy, all scribbled over in black ink, any previous words now hidden by a hurricane of dark dye.  
It was quiet. But not dead quiet.  
There was a choking sound from the middle of the room.  
John pulled off his coat and let it fall to the ground. He slowly walked towards the ball of Alex on the floor. He sat down across from Alex and the dark haired boy looked up.  
There were tear tracks down his cheeks.  
"Oh, Alex," John breathed. It must be the storm, the rain. Laurens thought that his roommate would be okay, but maybe he wasn't. John scooted closer to Alex.  
"I'm sorry I left you, I should've stay here and comforted you, I thought that you'd gotten over the astraphobia thing but I guess not. I'm so - "  
"No." Alex's voice was quiet and scratchy and tired.  
"What do you mean? I could try to help you, if you explain."  
"I'm not scared of storms anymore. You helped me over them, remember?"  
John smiled halfheartedly. "So what's the matter?"  
"I can't write so..." Alex trailed off, glancing at his too thin arms, that were covered in a dark sweater. Laurens wondered briefly why his roommate was looking at his inner arms out of all things, but quickly dismissed the thought and put a hesitant arm around his friend. Hamilton instantly melted into the almost hug.  
"That's okay, Alexander, just take a break, I'm sure you'll get it back tomorrow!"  
Alex looked like he was about to argue, but then his face softened, and he leaned even closer to John and put his arms around John's abdomen.  
Laurens' shirt had already been to small, but with his shoulders contorted to hold Hamilton, there was an inch or so of bare skin where the other boy hugged him. John fought back a shiver, and pulled Alex even closer. The hug was pleasantly warm, although very damp since John was still soaking from the angry rain outside, and Laurens was almost falling asleep until -  
"Alex, why is your sleeve wet? Did you finally do the dishes?" mumbled John happily, expecting Alex to laugh and they would banter while cuddling and maybe move to a couch or a bed if Laurens was lucky, but instead, Alexander was ripped out of his arms and suddenly, John was alone on the ground and Alex was standing against the wall, his face scared, his arms wrapped around his stomach.  
"It's not wet, my sleeve isn't wet," Hamilton insisted. John stood up, tired and hurt.  
"I felt it, on my back, your right arm, it's damp."  
"No, John, it's not." Alex's eyes were shining with emotion as John stepped closer to him.  
"Alex, the truth isn't going to hurt as much as you lying to me, making it seem like you don't trust me."  
"No," the shorter choked out and he looked at his shoes. John reached out, taking Hamilton's cold hand, his right one, and skimmed his thumb over the back of Alex's hand. The boy burst into tears, the rain outside falling in the their quiet living room and John knew, he just knew. Laurens pushed up Alex's sleeve and there were red lines etched in his skin and they were dripping and Alex was crying again and so was John and the entire facade of their quiet okay lives came crumbling down.  
"John, I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry," cried Alex, throwing himself towards Laurens, words muffled by John's shirt that was drenched with the rain and their tears.  
"No, Al, no, don't apologize to me, please, apologize to yourself."  
Alex's voice was soft as he spoke to himself. "I'm sorry, Alex. Please forgive me."  
John just held his friend tighter, and tucked him into the hug, placing his chin on top of Hamilton's head.  
"Why, Alex, my god, why?"  
"I don't know, John, I was done, I really was, but then I couldn't breathe and I couldn't write and it felt like that would breath for me, the cuts just poured out words and I felt free, god, I'm so - "  
"Alex..." whispered John. "Please, just stop, you can breathe, and you can write, without that, I can help you, but without that."  
Alex was shaking against Laurens' chest.  
"Breathe, Alex. Come on, with me. We can do this, together. Always together."  
Deep breath in.  
Deep breath out.  
Together.  
The crying subsided, just as the rain outside seemed to let up. John unwrapped himself from Alex, and took his hand to lead him to the bathroom. They both stood there, awkwardly, not wanting to face the problem between them, until Laurens took the initiative and pushed Alex's right sleeve up once more. John had to look away, and Alex saw it, and tears began to pour down his face again.  
Laurens wiped the tears away with his thumb on Alex's cool cheekbones and forced himself to look at the spiderweb of red lines.  
In a way, they were sort of beautiful, but then again, everything about Alexander Hamilton was beautiful.  
There was a washcloth draped over the edge of the bath, one of Lafayette's fancy ass ones judging by the embroidery. John turned on the sink, wetting an edge of the towel, and began to wipe away the blood. Hamilton seemed transfixed by the steady action. Once the red was mostly gone, and was all dripping down the drain, the lines were just white and pink and you could almost pretend they didn't hurt at all. Laurens wrapped a bandage around the injured arm, then wrapped Alex in his arms once more.  
"It's going to be alright now," promised John.  
"Are you sure?" Alex asked, voice still broken and hurt.  
"Completely positive. I'm never leaving you alone again, and you'll never do that again, I'm absolutely sure," Laurens whispered, and a few minutes later, Alexander was asleep, head resting on his friend's shoulder.  
The next morning, a Toffee Crunch Mocha was waiting on Alexander Hamilton's bedside table, along with a short note, just three words long, from "your dearest, John Laurens". The orphan's heart just about died over the comma placement.  
Alex read it, and smiled.


End file.
